Buggered Timeline
by The Woolly Llama
Summary: An adult Harry finds himself being sent back in time, where he meets his mother and tries to ensure that she survives.
1. Chapter 1

"Don't do this Rupert. I know we've had our ups and downs, but it's all part of the game you know? You slaughter the innocent, I hunt you down, it isn't anything personal. Don't you remember the time I came to your daughter's wedding? Admittedly it was a bit sad that her fiance died in the crossfire of our fight but hey he shouldn't have stood in the way of an entrail expelling curse right?! Or how about your brother's funeral? They did a marvelous job in recreating his jaw and nose, even the eyes I mean who knew how rough dogs could be when they are fed nothing but aphrodisiacs for a 're like family." Those were the last words of Harry James Potter, 32, the scene around him was odd, he had found himself standing next to a device about three metres tall with four separate spinning rings, a gun in one hand and a Bowie knife in the other, surrounded by three dead bodies, two chickens, a hamster and a _mime_ *shudder*, all while staring down a platypus that had its right front paw pressed against a large juicy red button. Before being engulfed by a bright light.

The next he knew Harry found himself hurtling forward before colliding with something soft and warm and falling to the floor whereupon he began to moan.

"What the hell do you think you are doing throwing yourself at me you bastard?!" A loud angry voice came from below Harry distracting him from his moaning, moving his head up he saw a girl in her mid teens staring balefully at him forcing him to respond in an appropriate manner and say the first thing that came to mind.

"Is that a wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" Then followed it up with a roguish grin. Only to receive a growl and a slap before being pushed to the side.

"Ow! Why did you hit me? Can't you see I'm in enough pain as it is? There's no need to add to it."

"Listen jackass I don't care what you think you know about me from the lies my sister has spread, but if you try anything like that again I will make you **hurt**." The young lady spoke, some how making the final word _feel_ dangerous, before turning around and walking away.

Or at least she tried because as she did Harry suddenly wrapped his arms around her legs pulling her down to the ground.

"Agh! What the hell are you doing? Get off me!" She shouted while struggling to get away.

"Um I don't actually know, felt instinctive. Sorry about that, anyway my name's Harry nice to meet you, I don't suppose you could tell me where we are could you? Because last thing I saw before you was a platypus named Rupert and I can't see that bastard anywhere?" Harry said as he slowly began to sit up and look around.

"Well _Harry_ you are in Surrey, the only place around here that you will find a platypus is London Zoo and my name is Lily." She said with some fire.

"Huh funny I grew up in surrey, been awhile since I've been back. Well, anyway it is a pleasure to meet you Lily, I've got to ask though, were you just happy to see me or was that really your wand poking me? And now that I just said that aloud I realise how much of an innuendo that was; hehe in-your-end-oh.." Harry finished muttering to himself as he picked his knife and gun.

"Well I suppose the fact that you ask that question must mean you are a wizard or know a wizard or witch. So yes I'm a witch and I currently attend Hogwarts." She finished proudly.

"Oh you have my sympathies then, terrible place went right down the crapper it did; such potential." Was his mournful reply.

"Hey what do you mean 'down the crapper'?! Hogwarts is an outstanding school, the premire in the whole of Europe." Lily replied with a bit of heat.

"Then answer me this, does Hogwarts employ a ghost that hasn't added to his curriculum for at least the last 150 years, teaching a subject that is constantly advancing? Does the Muggle studies curriculum mention any of the advances and societal changes of the last century? Does it make divination, a branch of magic that requires a practitioner to have the 'Seers Sight' to be of any worth, a three year course rather than a single one? Does it lower it's educational standards and requirements to appease the Wizards and Witches whose magical abilities are in decline due centuries of inbreeding? Does it have a strong anti-discriminatory policy to protect and nurture the a children that are being introduced to the society? Does it provide a muggle equivalent education so if you decide to return to the muggle world you haven't just wasted seven years? Does it only employ around a dozen staff to watch over, raise and educate roughly 400 children? Does it only allow children, in their formative years, to see their parents twice a year despite the fact the school is capable of creating devices that will allow a person to travel the length and breadth of the county in but a mere moment? Because if the answer to at least half those questions is yes, I must conclude that it is a pretty sub par educational institute." Harry lazily rattled off to a progressively stunned Lily.

"I-I suppose some of those points are true, but it would be too difficult to arrange transport home for so many people." Lily tried to defend but knew inside that these were all valid points.

"Don't be silly Lily all it would require was a portkey for each city and then the children can return via magical means such as the Floo network or through muggle means like the train; and time isn't a concern seeing as everyone takes the express to Hogwarts which takes like six hours, this though would involve two hours travel max and a bit of money. And I know if I was a parent I would happily part with £20 a week to be able to see my child. And what about family visitor days to allow them to see what their children are learning and understand a little bit more of this new world they have seen? To help the family connect and stop things like jealousy from festering?"

"I suppose I never thought about it like that." Lily said dejectedly.

"That's alright Lily, that is part of the Hogwarts experience. They do their level best to stop any chance of critical thinking from developing and stamping out any that does exist. I mean it doesn't take a genius to realise that if you accept new members into your society it will eventually breed itself into nothingness and a massive amount of incest, which puts an effective end to the pure blood supremacist movement, hehe." He tried to reassure Lily but she just collapsed to the ground in a heap.

"Hey now, there is no need to look so glum chum, sure it sucks to be told these things but at least now you know and can take steps to at least improve your own experience." He said jovially and placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder.

"But how? I've already done four years and have another three to go, my parents are dead and my sister and her husband can't stand the sight of me." Lily then broke down into tears leaving Harry crouched awkwardly.

"Well I didn't think this would happen." He muttered to himself and began comforting the, what he thought was a cute, girl.

"Hey are you feeling better now? Have shed all your tears?" He spoke to the girl curled up in his lap.

"Y-yes I'm better now, thankyou. I'm sorry for just breaking down on you like that, it's just that what you said is so true." Was her quiet response not fully realising she was in a young mans lap.

"It's perfectly fine I can't remember how many times I've wanted to break down tears and have someone there to comfort and take care of me. Now let's get you cleaned up 'ey." Harry then began using wandless magic to clean the tears from his shirt and Lily's face and throw some beautification charms to tidy her hair cover up the fact she was crying.

"What are you doing?! You can't use magic outside of school, you'll get expelled." Was the first thing she said as she felt him use magic.

"Well first off that statement isn't entirely true. Secondly Because if you live in a magical home the wards around it would negate the trace on your wand so magic can be used freely, without reprisal. Thirdly it is the wand that they track and I'm not using a wand so they can't track the magic back to me. Fourthly I don't attend school, I did that ages ago and I currently don't have any plans to return. But thank you for your concern, as a thankyou gift I'll tell you a little something the Ministry won't be able to track me because I did not surpass that detection threshhold, you need to use a certain amount of magic to get yourself noticed by them, so the subtle spells will go unnoticed by them." He said with a gentle confidence.

"O-ok thank you for the information I guess." Lily replied unsure what to say to this strange person.

"So how about we get you home ok, give you a chance to really get your thoughts together."

The two got up, Harry cleaned them with some more charms, and started walking out of the copse with Lily leading Harry back towards her house, arms linked together.

"So ignoring the failings that I pointed out, how has your Hogwarts experience been?"

"It's been ok I guess, Charms is my favourite subject. It can be applied so many ways and there is always a charm for everything you could possibly need and in the off chance that there isn't you just need to make it, but that would require a good grounding in Arithmancy. I've already made two spells myself, or rather one is a charm the other is an application for magic, the charm will make a note readable only to the intended recipient where once it is read it will disintegrate." She spoke with not a small bit of pride and even more confidence, now that she had something to talk about that she was comfortable with.

"That's actually really good, lord knows I could have used that when I was younger would have made communicating so much easier." He shook his head wistfully.

"The other one I've created is actually another use for Transfiguration where you transfigure an item into ink and then write a letter with all of the ink, where later based upon the activation method, the transfiguration will reverse and return to it's original form and voila you have gone and smuggled something passed whoever it is you are avoiding. The ideas for both of those originally came to me after reading about prisoners of war and their countries attempts to break them out of prison. In World War Two for example British would send games of Monopoly to them and the fake money would actually be hiding really money and the board would contain a map and a small phrase book all of which got me thinking about a magical approach to that."

"Bloody hell that's genius! Imagine all the things you could do with that, not only would you be able to smuggle things into a tightly guarded location but you could get around the current restrictions of magical transportation. If you made proper use of this you could become a tycoon in the shipping business. Though it does have great potential for misuse so you would have to keep it rather hush hush otherwise you would have a whole slew of assassinations happening throughout the world and country perpetrated by terrorists and those power hungry sorts that would sell their own mother for a promotion." He spoke in honest awe causing Lily to blush furiously.

"It's nothing that amazing as I said it's just an application of an already common branch of magic." She said humbly.

"You Miss Lily are truly a genius. Also such thinking also shows that you aren't a lost cause and still capable of thinking for yourself unlike the majority of our fellows." He finished as they were walking up to a familiar house on Privet Drive, bringing him to a stop where he gave the house an odd look as well as Lily.

"Is there something the matter Harry?"

"No nothing's the matter, just starting to get my bearings is all." Was his distant reply as they slowly approached the door, where Lily rung the doorbell getting an odd look from Harry.

"I'm not allowed to just enter the house anymore, I have to ring the doorbell if want to come in. It's something my brother in law started." Lily said ashamedly and looking away.

"I see, maybe we will be able to change that." Was his soft reply as he turned back to the door where he saw it open.

"What are you doing back here? I told you not to come back until after dinner. And who is this another freak?" Was the first thing to come out this humanoid arse cheek.

Harry's response was simply and easy to understand, a strong right hook to the face; knocking the fat man to the floor dazedly.

"I thought you said you would get expelled for using magic outside of school?" Harry asked casually as he walked through the door and over the man as if he wasn't there pulling along Lily.

"I didn't use any magic." She replied confusedly.

"Are you sure? I mean I could have sworn I was just insulted by a charmed arse cheek. I could recognise the engorgio charm to make it bigger but I can't think of any that would make it speak." He finished puzzled before Lily broke down in laughter, which felt like music to his ears.

"VERNON! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO HIM YOU LITTLE FREAK!" Came a banshee's shriek which Harry instinctively responded to with a stunner and bludgeoning hex.

"Bloody hell is she loud, I'm surprised you aren't hard of hearing after living with her." Harry said as he levitated the two people parallel to the ceiling and hit them with a sticking charm and put a cushioning charm below them before heading to the kitchen.

"What are you doing?" Lily asked unsure.

"Teaching them a lesson, they prey on you because without your wand you can't do anything; but with this they _may_ come to realise that you aren't the only person who can use magic and that there are ways around the rules. But enough about that, lunch?" He said pulling out a frying pan and raiding the fridge.

"Um yes please. Could you maybe tell me about yourself as I've just realised that a stranger has followed me back to my house and is now offering to make me lunch." She said cautiously and slowly reaching for her wand while his back was turned.

"Oh you finally picked up on that have you, that's good to know." Was his conversational reply.

"Well as to who I am, I am Harry Dark Wizard Hunter Extraordinaire. I made a career out of it about ten years back after I divorced my wife for infidelity, only time I was glad I didn't have kids would be a horrible shame to have them get caught up in that mess, the woman was a vindictive bitch, but thankfully only got the apartment and nothing else. Anyway I was some what depressed after that kerfuffle and did what I used to do in my youth, fight dark wizards, a dear friend of my said that my mindset back then was a sort of passive suicide; giving the reasoning that I had been raised to think I was worthless and as such thought that no one would care if I died and that if I died saving a life then it would prove otherwise. Anyway that whole affair went and did a number on my self worth and I had a sort of relapse and consequently went in search of a threat that I could eliminate and use to prove to others I was worth a damn. Took me right across the world that did, made a number of friends, learned some exotic magic, slew dangerous monster and rode a Crumple Horned Snorkack; becoming a killing machine capable of hunting people right across the world and apparently time." He finished with a flourish of his arms, spinning around with the pan and placing its contents onto the plate, that flew from a cupboard, in front of Lily accompanied by cutlery and a glass of juice.

"One meat and veg omelette with juice, I hope it is to your liking as I don't yet know your preference." He said with good cheer returning to the hop to make himself some food, while Lily looked on once more unsure what to think and just tucked into her meal.


	2. Explanations?

After finishing the lovely meal Lily sat back in place and looked across at Harry, examining him and thinking up further questions to ask.

"So… how are you a time traveller?"

"Well it isn't 2012 is it? I noticed after reading some of the number plates and the brand and condition of the cars, they really change in the future more stylish and sleek, that this is at the least the 80's if not the 70's, right? In fact this can all be cleared up with the use of a tempus spell." He held his hand before him and used the spell.

"13:24 16th July 1975. Well there you have it." What Harry was neglecting to mention was the fact that he was dead certain he was talking to his mother and had knocked out his aunt and uncle and it was obvious they were a lot younger.

"Ok then, how did you travel through time and why?"

"Well I didn't willingly come back in time and nor was it my intention, I just happened to be in very close proximity to an unknown magical device as it was activated by my Arch-Nemesis Rupert." He finished in an exaggerated manner but seemed to think he had conveyed the seriousness of the matter.

"Alright then who is Rupert and why would he send you back in time?"

"Well as I said he is my Arch-Nemesis and Rupert is a platypus. We've known one another for six years now, I hunt him on occasion and he slaughters innocents by the dozens and I would like to think we have developed a sort of 'Frenemy' relationship. You know I attended his daughter's wedding as well as his brother's funeral." Was Harry's cheerful and earnest answer.

"Why do I get the feeling that those events aren't as good natured as you are letting on? And what do you mean a platypus, is that his Animagus form or something?" She asked almost incredulously.

"Haa, I forget sometimes that the world at large is ignorant to the truths of the world. Platypuses are the oldest living race in the world, they are also the most powerful, they simply take the form of a platypus as a prank on the world as a whole, not just humans. I mean have you ever actually looked at a platypus? They're a mammal with the small body and tail of a beaver, that's all cool and kosher, but they have webbed feet like a swan, they lay eggs like a bird, they have a duck bill and even have a non lethal agonising venom that cannot be neutralised, that they inject through spurs on their rear heel's. That isn't natural in anyway you look at it; mundanely or magically. After all you've never heard of a Platypuses Animagus or Patronus have you? That's because they don't exist!" He said with vigor. "And to top it all off they are not subject to the 'Duck Principle'." He said with complete seriousness whilst dropping his fist onto the table emphasize the point.

"What's the duck principle?" She asked curiously but resigned.

"If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck and looks like a duck, it must be a duck. This cannot be applied to platypus." Was his sagely answer.

"I'll take your word for it. All right next question should be rather straightforward, how come you're such a good cook?"

"That would be thanks to my owners, they made sure that I would be fully capable of taking care of their every need. Cleaning the house, tending the garden, doing the washing and feeding them delicious meals all for the low low price of tolerating my existence, giving me a cupboard to sleep in, scraps to eat, hand me downs to wear, the exercise from beating me and the entertainment of spreading rumours; truly selfless people my aunt and uncle were." He said good naturedly.

"Well... that's depressing." Was all she could say.

"I'll say, I'm amazed I never snapped and killed someone after I got away from them."

"That just goes to show that you're a better person than them."

"Not a difficult task."

"So seeing as you are from the future, do you have any future knowledge and do you intend on using it? Changing the timeline?" She asked more seriously.

"Oh yeah I've got future knowledge, though not much, I didn't pay much attention to particulars. All I really know of this time is that Voldemort is out and about painting the country red; along with some names to hunt and companies to invest in, but no dates or locations if that's what you're looking for. And as for 'changing THE timeline' that's rather arrogant, thinking this is the only one in existence is the height of arrogance." He finished with his nose turned up.

"This is just one of many timelines, infinite in fact, my mere presence has gone and changed this one from my own, not to mention what other differences there could be such as people being born later, earlier or not at all or with meat and two veg instead of seafood. I mean sure I know that I've travelled back in time, but was that in a straight line, a wiggly line or a diagonal line? Up? Down?" He lectured to Lily who looked slightly abashed.

"Alright then, but what do I call you, Harry…?"

"I've been called many things, but my favourite is "The cat that won't cop out, when danger is about." and thankfully no one here will know who I am so I won't ever hear the first stupid hyphenated name the public gave me, that is something I'm already thankful for; and you may call me Harry Shaft."

"Well Harry Shaft it's nice to meet you, my name is Lily Evans and the two people you met earlier were my elder sister Petunia Dursley and her husband Vernon Dursley. For that matter how long are they going to stay up there?" She re-introduced herself joyfully enjoying this young man's presence.

"They should stay up there for another hour or so, but Vernon is a bit of a fat bastard so he may fall sooner rather than later." They lapsed into a comfortable silence as they looked at the pair stuck to the ceiling like a fine piece of art. "So do you mind if I bunk here for a bit, till I decide what to do?" He asked idly.

Lily thought on it for a moment her chin tilted up in an cute manner, resembling 'The Thinker'. "Sure why not, having you around might be interesting, but only if you cook for me." She said teasingly.

"You've got yourself a deal little lady. So do you wanna go watch a film or something? Cause I've nothing to do."

"Hm alright, but how are you going to pay?"

"I always have my money on me, after an incident involving midget tossing inside Gringotts that was apparently the last straw for them, as it turns out they still hadn't forgiven me for breaking into one of their vaults and stealing a dragon from them. I'm no longer welcome at Gringotts so I was given a week to clear out all my vaults and have since then carried my fortune around with me; occasionally robbing a local criminal enterprise for the local currency. But now that I've time traveled that shouldn't be a problem anymore, so I reckon I should go and open a vault soon. So let's go time's a wastin, I'll even treat you to dinner." Harry stood up and began striding towards the door, holding out his hand to catch Vernon's wallet as it flew to him.

"Now what are you waiting for let's go!" He said and literally leapt through the door leaving Lily to wonder if she was hallucinating this whole event before shrugging. 'Ah what the hell what's the worst that could happen?'

(◎ᘯ◎)

After leaving 4 Privet Drive the pair made their way into London by bus, with Harry enjoying the companionable silence and the ride much more than he ever did the Knight Bus. Once in Central London they made their way to a cinema and were lucky enough to find a film that was five minutes away from starting that neither of them had seen or heard of 'Jaws'.

Two hours later the pair were seen coming out of the cinema looking somewhat worse for ware.

"You know, I never got the chance to see the sea or visit the beach in my youth and if I had ever seen that film before I did, I would have never gone to see it ever in my life." Was Harry's first thought on the film.

"That would have sucked I quite enjoy the beach, the sound of the ocean lapping against the shore, the warmth of the sun as it bears down on you, the warm sand beneath your feet-"

"The sexy girls in titillating bikinis, I Know what you mean." Harry cut in before getting smacked.

"Shut it you, anyway you offered to buy me food and stuff so what are we waiting around here dawdling for?"

"Hey I never offered to buy you 'stuff' I said I'd buy you dinner."

"Semantics, besides it's too early for dinner so we have to do something to pass the time and what better thing is there to do than shop; besides it's not like you're actually paying." Lily finished off her argument tilting her head back slightly, looking down her nose at him and crossing her arms.

"It's the thought that counts, not whose money it is." Harry replied trying to sound wizened. The two then broke out in laughter as they headed further into London to do some shopping to pass the time.


End file.
